It's time for me to let it out and get some advice on forgiveness...?

OK I'm going to leave out all the unimportant details or i'd be typing all day here... I'm in need of some serious advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married since June 27th 2009. Once we got married it was like it all went downhill from there. We were in the process of building a house which finally completed on Aug 27th 2009 and we moved in the following weekend. Ever since we'd been in the house it was nothing but fighting fighting fighting... arguing over very stupid stuff and just kinda picking at eachother. Well on sept 27th there was a huge blow out in the middle of the night in regards to the puppy ( a pit bull) my husband decided to get which I said i was ok with as long as he took care of it... I have too much other stress to deal with a puppy, well he wouldn't get up and let the dog out even though he didn't have to work the next day and I did and it ended up being a complete blow out because he thought I should've done it because his birthday was the next day... The next 3 days were horrible. We fought every night, screaming matches... he left the next 3 nights in a row and I basically went nuts, no joke... sat with our 2 year old daughter on his moving car to get him to stay. Well I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward on Oct 1st because of advice from close family, friends and of course my husband. Well come to find out, the whole time I was in the hospital he was partyin it up and pawning our daughter off on grandparents. The night he dropped me off when he left he went to a well known night club where we live and ran into his high school girlfriends brother, got her phone number and texted her all night. 2 days later he texted her inviting her to hang out with him. I found out about this all in my own ways and he admitted to it. He says my going to the hospital was my way to cope and his way to cope was to rebel. I have been a very controlling untrusting jealous person throughout our entire relationship all due to things that have happened to me in the past. I have since been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He did nothing more than text the girl and did not hang out with her, but because of infidelity in a previous relationship of mine and my promise to myself to never put myself through this again, I continue to struggle. I know most of your responses will be get rid of him, but something i haven't quite explained here is what a good man he really is. He has put up with a lot from me in the last 6 years and I think we both had our breaking points at the same time. His actions were completely and utterly out of character for him. Everyone who knew him was completely baffled by what he had done. I got out of the psych ward and I have a new outlook on life. I am currently ungergoing EMDR treatments for the BPD and am in counseling regularly. My husband buys me cards, flowers praises me everyday, apologizes everyday, says he is more in love with me now than ever... I have a hard time believeing him, but shouldn't I?? He'd be gone if he didn't want to be with me. No one is holding him hostage... I don't know how to forgive him for what he did. I know I did a lot to him, but what he did put a huge hole in my heart and if any of you know anythign about BPD I go from mad to sad at the drop of a hat and one minute I want to cry about it, one minute I am full of rage. I cry about it and he lets me verbally bash him when I get this way, takes it like a man because he knows what he did was wrong. I want to stop punishing him for rebelling after my years of mistreating him and I want to forgive what he did although I may never forget... I know I am rambling and this is a long story, thanks to all who took the time to read and thanks for any advice any of you can give. I am torn and lost and not sure which direction to go here... Please no verbal bashing... not good for me right now.





PS, is it just me or has 27 become my unlucky number?It's time for me to let it out and get some advice on forgiveness...?
Sweety this is a start to a new beginning of life for the 2 of you..The 2 of you obviously have a strong bond and love that is helping you get through this together..





Your on your way to a very clean start, just continue your counseling and the medicines that have been given to you for your diagnosis..Don't let this get the best of you and your marriage, it's not worth it..You do need to forgive him..He is still there with you and loves you more than ever so that right there is the most important thing and it is going to keep your marriage going and not in divorce..


You have yourself what sounds like a wonderful man so don't let him go or ruin it..





Good luck to you and your family!!!It's time for me to let it out and get some advice on forgiveness...?
Hello my name is Dakota and I think it is very courage of you to have placed your question for all to see. I am very aware of Borderline Personality Disorder. My daughter has it. If I totally agree with her then I rock, when I disagree, or don't allow her to use me, the she does everything she can think of to destroy me both verbally, emotionally and phychially. She is 27 and took out a bogus restraining order that I punched her in the stomach during her 7th month of pregnacy even though I was the one to call the police because she was becomeing uncontrollable. Well the judge awarded her the restraining order for the next 2 years. That was Nov. 24, 2007





She gave birth to my grandson in Jan. 2008. I have not seen him, held him, because of the restraining order. I know I have grandparent rights but I am not about to go up against someone who refuses to admit that she has Borderliine Personality Disorder and has done nothing for herself. Congrats to you for going through the challenges of restoring your thinking.





Now back to your situation. Although your husbands behavior while you were in the hospital was off the wall according to how you describe him and his normal reactions to things, I know its hard but try to forgive. If you balance the equation out your behavior for so many years before you were diagnosised was trully bazarr but your husband was there for you even though neither of you knew what was trully going on with you.





Love means not counting each others mistakes. Or character assination. In other words, Love is not cruel, it does not measure offensives, Love is Kind, Love Forgives, Love Creates (like your daughter) its a hard concept to wrap oneself's brain around when you are so terrible hurt. Also I believe you are suffering from Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. I say that because of the reaction you give regarding your husband texting this girl. You said that someone cheated on you once before and you would not let that happen to you again, perhaps all the pain from that relationship has risen again and now is included in what your husband did when you were in the hospital.





Could you possibly be over reacting because of past pain? If so that's PTSD.





First Concentrate on your Recovery, Second Remember what Love Does and Doesn't Do.





Be grateful that your husband and you are still together the rest is like they say small potatoes.





Good Luck to you
You are in a tough situation. The only way this can work out is if there is going to be forgiveness from your side , you cannot bring the past into each others face. On the other hand,it sounds like you are pretty fed up with each other. These type of situations are not appropriate for no one. If you can get strength and gain some dignity, by all means , take time away from each other. During that time you go out with friends and enjoy yourself to the max and I'm sure that is going to take you to making a final decision,which will be for the best. If deep inside you feel that he has not appreciated you, tell yourself ,he does not deserve me. We have got to value ourselves more. Wish you the best.
I'm sorry you feel so consumed with this and understand the struggle to forgive. I have serious issues with forgiveness. But In your case, when you look at how you know that you blew up at him, you said yourself that you have serious control issues, you said that you have extreme jealousy issues from your past, you said yourself that you sat on his car so that he can't leave.





With all of the SELF evaluation, that should make it easier to take a look at what this man was going through at the time and why he resulted to such extreme behavior that you yourself said is out of character for him.





Honey, I'm soo sorry you are feeling this way but I think that if you just would think about who he was living with at the time and the drama/stress that he was under, you should feel very bad for him and do alot of work on self (which I hear you say you are doing) and take responsibility that you pushed him out the door. I don't want to beat you up about your past we all make mistakes but though I understand unforgiveness because I wrestle with it, when I wronged the person and their hurt towards me was a reaction, then it's much easier for me to put myself in their shoes and forgive them.





You shouldn't allow your household to blow up over who's going to take the dog out. Just ask yourself is it really worth it and take the dog out. Pick your battles carefully!!!! You say he's a wonderful man.








P.S. When people mistreat their spouses, there is always someone else out there who is willing to treat them better. I hope you remember that when you get that desire to act out.





I hope YOU get better (emotionally and mentally) and do all the work it takes to get YOU better so that your marriage will get better.





Best Wishes!