I'm a 67 year old male, in a prior marriage for 15 years, divorced and remarried and in my current marriage for more than 26 years. My first marriage ended because of multiple issues with my first wife. Infidelity was one of them. The reason I was married to her for 15 years instead of 7 was that I did try to work through our problems--unsuccessfully.
I think marriage is one of the bedrock institutions of a successful society. Marriages have to work. The partners have to basically understand each other regarding such issues as substance use, relationships outside marriage, infidelity, honesty and respect. There are a lot of ways to attack these, but I think the best is minimal substance use, honest relationships outside and within the marriage, no infidelity, and honesty, both with self and partner. Respect should include self-respect.
That said, many marriages fail to live up to any part of these basic requirements.
If you know divorced people how do you regard them? As societal failures? As free-wheeling moral libertines? As tragic figures? As sexually and socially frustrated people?
It is easy to put myself in their situations, because I have been in those situations. Marriage takes work. Faithful means more than just fidelity. The better question--and perhaps I will ask it at a later time--is ';How do you deal with marriage?';
I'm interested in a variety of views. You don't have to be married, divorced or anything else to answer this question. What do you think?
How do you deal with divorce?
You are looking for input from a variety of sources. We've been married 28 years, the first 9 great, next 5 not so much, and the last 14 awesome. I have five siblings, two divorced once, one divorced twice, one divorced three times, and one at ten years married. My wife's two sisters are both on their third husband, and her brother married 20 years. Oddly enough, both my parents and her parents are over 50 years married.
As humans and Christians, we hate divorce. That said, many of the divorces listed above were necessary. We did what we could to prevent the divorce, but when it was inevitable, we stood by our siblings and walked through the valley of death with them. As you know, there are no good divorces. The result might be good, but walkng that path is tough.
We look at divorced people no different that anyone else. We don't think we're better than anyone simply because we've managed 28 years. Marriage is tough. We have to make it through the next week, month, year. We work at our marriage hoping to have our 50th, and our 75th!! (I'll be 94, she 95...whew)
Being divorced doesn't make you a failure, it only means your marriage failed. You're on your second marriage now, so your first marriage (and all the baggage that goes with it) is in the past and doesn't matter. The failed marriage does not define who you are.
What does define you is: Love your wife. Focus more on her needs than your own needs. Make sure she is happy, content, satisfied, and cared for. Focus on her self esteem, not yours. That will define you as a man and as a husband. If you are lucky enough to have her do the same for you, please invite us to your 50th!!How do you deal with divorce?
Not well at all, unfortunately. I had two relationships collapse on me, then became the punching bag for an abusive marriage elsewhere in my extended house (I found out after the fact that drugs were involved).
Since then, I became what you could call obsessed about justice, besides finding almost every production motor vehicle in the world underbuilt (I'd have stuffed an Eaton Fuller FRO-series ten-speed and 10,000#-capacity Rockwell skew-drive axles into a 3/4-ton Dodge, as Chrysler never put in a drivetrain worthy of the Cummins 6BTA5.9-180). So hard up for the right thing am I, that I won't even consider dating or anything else outside the wedding process hinted at throughout the Scriptures. Unfortunately, nobody in our day sufficiently understands the wedding process common when Y'shua was in the flesh among us, so I haven't had any candidacies for a wife to follow up, go figure, considering the following quote:
';Moshe permitted you on account of your obduracy to divorce your wives; but in the beginning it was NOT so....';
Divorce was devastating to me. It was worse than a death. With a death there is closure. With the divorce I went over and over in my head what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? He cheated on me and with my then best friend. That was twice the heartbreak. All I can say is time heals all wounds. It took a while but I did survive. And I became stronger for it.
My parents have been married 32 years, and have had their ups and downs even to this day. I believe that their marriage has survived only because of us, their children, as that is what most married couples live for, their offspring.
I have never been married, yet, and feel that trust and honesty in a relationship is paramount and should be brought into the marriage.
You are not tied down in a marriage, and should be free to do what you want, but at the same time, what makes a marriage work, is for someone to remain faithful, and not be tempted.
Drinking, infidelity, and many other factors that a person faced or was a part of before marriage, should help in deciding if a marriage is even worth the effort.
I'm just speaking from my point, and know that there will be those who agree or disagree, but this is my view, and I really hope it makes sense.
The Bible says of marriage ';and the two shall be as one';. This is the first concept. It means that it is no longer you or me; it is us. Whenever there is a decision to be made, you should make it together. Your money should be pooled together. The household chores and expenses should be shared. You should discipline your children as one team. This doesn't mean that you lose your identity. It was who you are and who your spouse is that brought you together in the first place. It just means that in all things you must consider one another first.
This is how I see things, but now days this type of life style does not exist in younger marriages. People are too selfish, and self absorbed, and too willing to throw in the towel,.... the days of marriages like this - are almost over. People like to keep their money seperate, savings, investments, savings, everything seperate. I see this with so many people I know--there is no trust, no honor, no surrender, - just 2 people living together as roomates, sho have children together, and share the same last name - what kind of life is that?
Today, life is so disposable. We have disposable garbage bags, disposable cameras, disposable eaterys and now we have very easy disposable marriages. Society has changed!!
Hi Warren. I have never been married but did have dreams to get married, have children and live happily ever after. Now nearly fifty, I live a full life caring for my niece and nephew for the past sixteen years due to circumstances. I am also an RN and so am not just closed off from society in general re relationships good and bad.
Divorce in regards the couple I unless really know them well cannot pass judgement as who knows what goes on behind closed doors, that is to say who is telling the truth. I believe that over the years many women especially stayed married as that was expected and there were no support services and no jobs for independence.
I think a divorce is a sad ending to a dream two people once shared that ended due to them taking different paths in life. I have no hesitation in voicing loud and long that when abuse on any level is occurring then the couple should be seperated and if not able to be fixed, divorce asap and get on with there seperate lives. I feel most sorry for the children and it is based on this that I do not hesitate to judge a couple. When a couple with children, no matter what age, it should be done in a way that the children do not get made to be the meet in the sandwich.
I believe to survive as a society we need to work out the way a marriage can work in this very modern world for the sake of a healthy family who allow children to grow up with strong family routes.
I don't know warren D. Does it really matter if I am a guy or a woman? I am extremely afraid of divorcing and living to be the most loneliest man in the world. U want to know why? Because being a super ugly guy/girl [unattractive] that cannot attract any women/guys period!!! Its impossible and very hard for us not-so-attractive guys or women to find a good woman or man. I guess if U R so ugly U have no choice but to make the best of life, of what U got. :o( Just accept whoever comes along to care for you and to love U for who U are-right?
edit: Its like us ugly people are totally invisible to the whole world. Nobody cares to see U, as a very great person. All they care about is what he or she has in store for them.
I have been married 3 times. My first marriage was out of college and only lasted 2 years. My husband at the time had a girlfriend.
Six years later I married and had 2 sons. I was with him for 15 years, married for 11. He was abusive to me, at times to my sons. He drank every day, traveled 50% of the time. I found women's underwear in his suitcase (too small for him to wear). He also had a porn addiction and IRS problems. I divorced him.
I am now married to a WONDERFUL man who is the salt of the Earth.
I regard myself not as a failure but as a survivor. I endured a lot of pain with my first two husbands. I have 2 beautiful sons, but my ex is on the road to destruction. Life is too short to be unhappy. I finally am.
If you know divorced people how do you regard them? I don't really think about it unless I know something bad about them--- if I'm friends with the wife and I know her infidelity ended the marriage, or if I knew the husband was a drug user, I wouldn't want to be her/his friend.
As societal failures? No, it would depend on the circumstances. People make mistakes....no one knows what happens behind closed doors.
As free-wheeling moral libertines? No, that's for people who only shack up haha
As tragic figures? Some... some marriages end badly and cause deep wounds.
As sexually and socially frustrated people? No, I know a number of married people who never get sex and stay home all the time.
I'm a 69 year old divorced woman.I have been divorced since I was 45.I was happily married to the love of my life.I wasn't the love of his life.He left.Having come from divorced parents, I worked very hard at my marriage,I thought I was doing all the right things to keep the marriage
alive and happy.I was devastated at the time.The kids were in shock, never mind his family and mine.The kids were going off to university the next month.He left and never called home again for 3 years even though he lived in the same city.It took me a long time to get over the humiliation, hurt,the questions to myself where had I gone wrong.I continued on with my life.I am one of the lucky ones, my friends are still the same group we hung around when we were married.My children have grown up and have children of their own.I stayed in the house and paid off the mortgage myself and got the kids through school holding down two jobs.I am not going to say it hasn't affected my children, it has, but they try and keep in contact with him, even though he is very uncomfortable when they do.I hold no ill will towards him.I feel sorry for him, he has missed out on so much of his children's lives.After he was gone 4 years, he showed up one night and said he wanted to try and make a go of it.I took one look at this man that I still loved for so many reasons, but had no respect for anymore and knew I could not.I have never regretted that decision.I go to weddings and say a little prayer that the young couple will be as happy as I was in their marriage.I have learned that I am a survivor, self sufficient,and have learned to grow over the years.I loved being his Mrs.but have learned to love being Ms.I have no regrets, no bitterness,no unresolved questions,
The marriage obviousely wasn't meant to last a life-time.He has had many relationships since leaving me, none of them worked out.There is one thing I know for sure,he will go to his death bed saying I loved him and treated him the best.That shows just a wee bit of revenge on my part,not very nice of me is it.I better work on that side of me.
Hi WarrenD, I will say that I view divorced people with alot more compassion then before I became one of the divorced myself. I was in a number of businesses for 21 years of marriage. We built up our nest egg together, property etc. Our first child was accidently backed over by my now X, our son was 3 at the time. He only moved the truck 3 feet, and there were 7 other adults shoveling snow that blizzard of 1979, 2/19. We both were brought up with the belief that God does not make mistakes, so we felt this is what cross we were ask to bear to learn the lessons we are here to learn. I think the changes in the way we could do our taxes and writoffs that were no longer allowed made it so difficult to run things and make extra to live a little easier then we were for all those years. Listening to gossip from male friends of my spouce that wanted to go into business with him instead of with me all those years and led to not trusting me and not listening to me or even wanting to discuss our marriage. So the divorce happened.
God had healed me from a bad Hospital experience and we had two lovly sons. one just finished his 5-yr.Navy stint., the other is an artist and musician.
I met a wonderful man that I told you all about that passed away 1-27-2007 at age 45. ';R'; was so sweet. My X and he and our two sons had a wonderful last Christmas 2006, a DVD I charish. To see my X help my partner into the car (His legs could hardly bed) and Help him out, laugh at our big FireHall Momma-family dinner, we all sat together and laughted and the family were shocked that we were having such a good time. Healing the hurt is important to forgive. Learn and move on. I have invited my X and his girl of 8 months for Christmas. We will have a great time. The boys are so glad I invited them. I thanked my X for being the man that he is and the kindness he showed to my partner an Obama/Raced man and an OLE Scotsman.
So WarrenD, you did it again. I hope it helps those going through this at the Holiday time. Like You I worked hard in our marriage, submisive and all that stuff, a good mother and a good wife. You can just burn out and nothing each other tries mends that broken spirit.
I say we have matured and Our children have seen that working things out and FORGIVNESS are what is important. Peace!!Nancyl2
You're a smart man.
I dealt with my divorce by kicking up my heals, taking a deep breath and vowing to never do that again. Afterwards, my friends and I went out and celebrated for about a week. I was very physically and mentally abused in my marriage.
I have kept my word to not remarry so far. Been 12 years. Easiest vow I have taken actually.
I as a union%26lt; Two people willing to spend the rest of their lives together to share both the good and bad that come to them as a team because good and bad is going to some regardless if your married or not but it's nice to shre it with someone u turst and could turn to. I take marriags seriously since a child from a dysfunctional faimly. Love was always a important factor to me..to love or be love played a big part of my life which has led me to alot of failed relationships because i had always been the giver in the relationship but to find equality is a wonderful thing,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and i'm still waiting but i know that someone is out there
i agree with you, i have been with my second wife for 7 months and have been seeing her for almost 3 years..i have awful nightmares and stress from combat, and i abused my meds, lied and was selfish so it was my fault....but to a certain point a wife should understand what combat to a man, especially an army ranger sniper...just drive on, you will be ok, i am going through hell seeing her with other men, but what can i do, i did this to myself..we are roomies now, and imagine how hard that is, i am going to see my family and my best girl friend ever, i have learned my lesson, and this wont happen again...you will be ok
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