How can I encourage my boyfriend that marriage can be a good thing?

Ok I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have lived together for 4 years. I am wanting to take my relationship to the next level. I would like to get engaged. I would like a 2 year engagement to give us time to plan and save. So it's not like I'm asking him to marry me tomorrow. I really love him and know I want to be with him. He says he wants to be with me but still no ring! (He did take me to look though 2 times! But a year ago.) Can you say mixed signals? He talks about buying a house (live in apt now) having babies, and other future things, I am not willing to do these until I am married or at least engaged, but he has a hard time with marriage, and I know why. He comes from a family of either divorced couples, or unhappily married couples. His family is very negative about marriages. They think having children is a bigger deal because then your stuck but with marriage you can easily get out. But most of the bad relationships in his family are caused by infidelity, and alcoholism. (Neither of us drink or cheat) Now I am opposite. My family has a lot of happily married couples for a long time. My family sees marriage as a positive thing. He tells me he would marry me but he is just scared of divorcing. He doesn't think we would divorce but the thought that it is possible is what is scary for him. How do I get him to understand that not all marriages are a bad thing and not all marriages end in divorce? I want to encourage him that not all families and marriages are like his. I really love him and want to help him, because if he can't get over it this is something i can not compromise on. I would hate to walk away from someone that I could spend my life with and who is a good guy just becasue he has a hard time with marriage. so if you have any suggestions please tell me.How can I encourage my boyfriend that marriage can be a good thing?
Here's the real problem, shacking up with someone without a real commitment. Sorry to break it to you buy its true. I have walked down that road before and it didn't work. He was too comfortable and wanted to wait and wait and wait. 15 years later I probably still would be waiting. I bet you do everything for him including his laundry and he still won't even think about buying you a ring. Face it honey, he won't propose in this situation. I would either end it or move out and make him work because he is certainly working you while taking full advantage of your kindness. Hate to be harsh and I don't care if anyone gives me a thumbs down, keep living that way and you will remember what I said as you sort his laundry and cook his dinner 5 years later with no ring!How can I encourage my boyfriend that marriage can be a good thing?
Here's the truth:





Marriage is usually not a good thing. Think of your dog...he can run freely yes...within the fence.





Now put a dog collar on him and chain him to the tree...now the dog's not so happy.
5 years and he's not going to be ready in 2 more to get married?


I'd trade him in on a new model. One that wants the same things I do.
Believe it or not, your boyfriend's fear's are with merit, many adults who as children have seen and lived through divorce in their very own homes either shy away from marriage or marry over and over, this is why the divorce rate can be much higher when a child coming from a divorced home finally decides to marry, then when you top it off with the family disease of alcoholism the chances for this person to have success are very low. So you can keep on trying to convince him to get married, but honestly you may have to just accept the fact that this may never be, and once you accept this as reality your relationship with your boyfriend may even become stronger, it will take some of the stress off of both of you. Always trust a guys actions, if it appears he has no desire for marriage, then he simply doesn't, and you don't want to push him into doing something that he doesn't want to do, I have no doubt that he really does love you, and just because he doesn't marry you certainly doesn't imply he wont spend the rest of his life with you, so accept what you have and be happy with what you have, as some people never get the chance to endure a real relationship that has meaning such as yours,enjoy what you do have and stop worrying about what you don't have. Acceptance is my advise.
Don't force and don't push at all. Not one bit. When he sees his friends and acquaintances getting pushed to get married, he will be lucky that he has you and that you aren't pushy nor controlling. He might come around then and realize marriage to you might be a good thing because you let him be himself and aren't pushy.





But it can't be forced or pushed, and he has to want to marry you as much as you want to marry him. If he doesn't the cut ties and find someone who wants the same things out of life that you do.
Is there really that much of a difference between buying a house together and having kids together, and getting married? Why is he willing to act like a husband but not get the piece of paper? Ask him that.
You're wasting your time with him.





You want one thing and he wants something different.





Don't have children with this man you'll end up just as frustrated as you are now....but with children.





You know what you want.....don't settle.
I don't think you can 'encourage' someone to want something they really don't. Five years is a lot of time to devote to one person. I understand that you may feel you've invested so much energy in this relationship to just walk away. However, if after all this time you still don't have a man who is willing to really commit to you, then you have to start looking else where. You owe it to yourself to get what you want out of life. I think it's time for an ultimatum here, as long as you're ready to walk away without the man and the ring.
To tell you the truth I don't think that two people have to show a marriage license in order to say they love each other. Of course you have different beliefs. But I don't think pressuring him into getting married is going to make him propose to you sooner. I think, of course this is my opinion, that you should back off a little bit. I know 5 years is a long time. I'm not sure how old you are but maybe that's another reason you want to get married quickly and have kids. I wouldn't be so quick to walk away. You both obviously love each other. Give it some more time with out talking about getting married. If you've been constantly talking about it over the last year or so that could be something he's ultimately scared of. Talk more about kids after you've waited awhile. Since he's open to having children. Say little things like aww look at that cute outfit if your out and about. Little things like that but then say but I wouldn't want a baby without being married. Give him little hints. Don't yell or fight about it. Just casually talk about it. Maybe he's worried that he can't find a good enough ring. I've known a few people that didn't want to propose because they were afraid that a ring they could afford wasn't good enough. Remind him that things like that don't matter. Just the love that you two share is good enough. Think about it. I wouldn't be so quick to walk away.
My cousin was in a situation like this, and she discovered it was because she was already living with him! If you are already living together, it's basically like you are married already, so he doesn't see the need to tie the knot very soon. After five years of living with her boyfriend, my cousin moved out and told him that she didn't want to live with him until she was married because my family ';disapproved'; of her living with someone before marriage (which wasn't true haha) anyway, he proposed 3 months after she moved out, and they were married 2 years later and have been happily married ever since.
First of all, you're living with him and letting him do you when he wants, why would he need marriage? He has you the way he wants you.





Secondly, you said it yourself, you're different people with different backgrounds and different beliefs. Think about this sentence.............ok, so why are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole?
What you're dealing with is a fundamental flaw in the foundation of your r'ship and you shouldn't even THINK about marrying this man until the 2 of you can work through it. When 2 people see marriage in an entirely different way, you're asking for problems. You have to both enter into marriage seeing love and your commitment to one another in the same light. You can't change how someone perceives marriage on a fundamental level. And let me tell you, even with his experiences, if he truly was in love, he would easily set all that aside and run with joy down the aisle. When a man is in love, those preconceived notions fly out the window and he sees things in a new light. The fact that he's been giving you mixed signals and doesn't even see marriage in the same way are 2 big red flags. I'm sorry to say this sweetie, but I think it's time to walk away. I know it's hard because of the time investment involved. I don't say this lightly. I personally went through the exact same thing with a man. We dated for 4 yrs, talked about marriage, kids, etc and even looked at rings but ultimately, we saw love %26amp; marriage in 2 very different ways. He was very cold, scientific, and business like in his approach to marriage. To him, it was almost like a business merger than being about love. But I kept hanging on because I loved him and I had invested so much. I kept thinking if I just loved him enough, he'd come around. He never did and it was the hardest thing I've ever done to walk away. But the thing is, you can't open yourself up to new opportunities until you do walk away. And I'm so glad I did. 7 months after I broke up with that commitment-phobe, I met the man of my dreams...who is now my husband. We just celebrated 2 wonderful years of marriage (4 together total). We knew on the first date that we were soul mates and it's been that way ever since. When you know, you just know....and when you have to analyze something to death, then it's not right.
The way I see it is you have 2 choices. Either stay with him until he is ready to commit (which may be never) or leave him and move on.





Sorry but those are just excuses about why he doesn't want to get married.





This is why I told my daughter not to live with someone before marriage. There are no guarantees in life. As you already know having lived with him all those years and you are still single.





If when you do ask him to marry you and he gives you another excuse then I would say its time to move out and move on.





Or stay and let it be.



You really can't talk someone into marriage and you wouldn't want it that way anyway. You have some hard choices to make here. You just need to tell him that your relationship will go no further without marriage. Let him know that there will be no children and no home buying. Tell him how important this is to you and that you will settle for nothing less. You may want to move out for a while so that he can have the time to think this through. You may have to realize that he is never going to want what you want and then you have to decide for yourself what you are willing to settle for. I say never settle but that's up to you.
Why don't you just leave him alone about it. You have the guy you want, why is that not enough? What is it about a legally binding contract that gives you so much satisfaction. The love should be the same either way.





Are you even trying to see it from his perspective. You seem to be more interested in changing his opinion than respecting the fact that he's not ready.





Look, when he is, he will ask you to marry or him. If you can't wait, then leave. Just don't try to put it on him. I mean seriously, your the one making an issue out of it. If you walk away, your the one leaving, your ending it. Besides honestly, if he really wanted to marry you, he would ask without your coaxing. Do you really want to be with someone who you had to hold a gun to their head get them to the alter?