Really how much is a wife supposed to take?

I am going to make this as short and unbiased as possible. I have been married for 2 years, been with my husband for 3. We have an 8 month old daughter. It has been a rocky rocky road since the day we married. My husband was a HEAVY drinker before we met and he stopped cold turkey 2 months into our relationship, he wouldn't even drink a glass of champagne at our wedding. About 5 months into our marriage he began drinking again. We argued alot because I told him from the beginning I did not want to marry someone who was going to abuse alcohol. 9 months into our marriage he got bombed one day while out with a friend of his and he had a one night stand. He told me the next day and I forgave him and we went to counseling. 2 weeks after that incident we found out we were pregnant. It's been a year since the infidelity and he has taken to drinking about 4-5 times a month. Which probably doesn't seem like a big deal except that when he drinks he DRINKS...and I'm talking 24-36 beer in a 2-3 time span. He spends his entire weekend (he gets two a month) off getting drunk. He says nasty things to me when he is drunk and he leave me to care for our daughter by myself. He gets sober and promises to quit but he doesn't. I am tired of the lies and the empty promises. I don't want my daughter growing up in this environment but I don't know how to leave. I have lost all hope but I don't want to divorce him and have my daughter grow up in a broken home. I am truly lost and need advice. Has anyone been through a similar situation? How did you handle it? Was there ever any healing in your marriage? Help!





And please don't just answer with some flippant ';counseling'; or ';leave him.'; I want advice not a brush off.Really how much is a wife supposed to take?
You basically need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you are tired of the lies and the infidelity. I probably don't have to tell you the statistics on cheating but there are typically high rates of it becoming a more than one time thing. You are going to have to lay down the law. Give him a set time and set goals. If he strays or deviates he will already know the consequence.





I would tell him if he doesn't get professional help (rehab, either in house or outpatient) and a support group (faith based works better statistically) for both of you. Do some research and find the programs that have the best statistics. Print them off and present them to him. Tell him has has xxx time to make a decision. Lay out what will happen if he messes up.





I'm a Christian, the Christ following kind, the the Sunday only kind. Both you and your daughter deserve better. The statistics of kids growing up in that environment puts her in an at risk category; higher risk for young pregnancy, higher drug and alcohol use, more of a chance she will end up in an abusive relationship, the list is huge.





I would also find a support group and intensive self help for you. Again, faith based groups seem to work best overall. In my area there is one group who has been featured on Nightline because of the stuff they are doing. They are based in a church, the woman who runs it has a nephew who got hooked on drugs and alcohol. There are many programs out there that want the spotlight but that doesn't make them any good. It's the McDonald's concept. It's the biggest restaurant in the world but is it the best? Probably not. Such are counseling and support groups. AA is a great concept but not always the best choice for everyone.





Do your research, try to find people who have been in similar situations. If you try this and the relationship fails you will know you gave it your all. You are priceless. Your daughter is priceless. Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap that countless others have. Don't allow yourself to be told who and what you are. Good luck. Feel free to contact me if you need to chat.Really how much is a wife supposed to take?
He isn't going to change. If you can afford it then leave. If not contact aid society for battered women and children. They will take you in until you can find a job.
Get him some help and see where he is going
Your husband is an alcoholic. Since his initial ';cold turkey'; he has become a binge drinker (which is still an alcoholic). You can't make him stop, no matter how much you fight and argue about it, no matter how many threats you make. He has to decide to stop on his own.





I do suggest that you think about attending some Al-Anon meetings. These are meetins for the spouses of alcoholics, and will help you every bit as much as counseling would right now, although if he does stop drinking counseling will be necessary. There are certain problems that go along with the recovering alcoholic that you need a deeper understanding of and that you will need the support of others to get through.





In the end, if he does not stop drinking, you very well might have to leave. But before you go that far, examine every possible alternative, such as Al-Anon (which is free by the way). The biggest worry I see for you is that he sounds like a mean drunk. If that starts to progress beyond yelling and verbal meanness, get out. And I mean one push, one grabbing of your arm, anything physical. Because once the initial barrier is broken it will get worse quickly. Your safety and your daughter's safety are the first consideration.
This is not a flippant remark but an observation from your description. You said that you don't want your daughter to grow up in a broken home. Let me tell you, it already is broken. I have a close friend, who was once my roommate, who had a severe drinking problem. He knew he had a problem and we talked about it many times. Unfortunately, he did not have the desire to do something about it. I left that apartment after I woke up one morning and found him passed out on the couch with a steak burning in the oven. My safety came first. It is now fifteen years later and he has been sober for the past two years. Those thirteen years of drunkenness could have done serious damage to a child.





My point is this. He is not going to change unless he wants to change. You must find a way to take your child and leave the house. Stay with family, friends, or call some social service organization. You and your daughter's safety comes first. This act alone may be a trigger for him to want to change his lifestyle. I would not live with him until he has been sober for six months to a year.
First of all an answer suggesting counseling or leave him IS NOT FLIPPANT. I really resent people asking questions and rejecting the best advice they are given.





Your husband is an alcoholic. You should become a member of Al Anon, which is for families of alcoholics, so you can understand the disease (or whatever you are more comfortable calling it).





Good luck.





Edit: We will just agree to disagree about what a flippant answer is.





Edit (again): Okay, I'll expand. Alcoholism is an addiction. For one spouse to practice an addiction requires the other spouse to be an enabler. The enablement is tricky with alcoholics, because it can be pushing whatever buttons are there to push and they are many. If he also has a mental disorder (many addicts do), this is even trickier. If denial is his coping mechanism (generally is) this is impossible. Until an addict recognizes his problem is all his (regardless of what buttons are being pushed), he cannot be helped.





The ';counseling'; is for you. Not him. A spouse of an addict cannot make an addict get help. It's just another form of enabling. The ';leave him'; is because it's the path of peace many of us have found.
Been there. Didnt work out so good for me (Getting divorced, and no it wasnt me doing the drinking)





I would suggest attack the issue head on, give him an ultimatum, either he admits he has a problem and seeks help or you go! If he agrees, then enroll him in AA, and then BOTH of you go for some marriage counselling to help you through it. You will need to be his anchor to help him through this difficult stage. But if your marriage is worth saving, then its worth the hardship to try
You don't want advice. You want to be pacified! I mean what other advice can one give you other than to seek counseling or leave. You don't make any sense. You don't want your daughter growing up in that environment or in a broken home. Well I'm sorry to inform you, she's already leaving in a broken home. So your only options are you either leave or seek counseling.
Being raised in an alcoholic family, I would not wish that on anybody. You really have to regain control of this marriage, and that may be as sever as filing for divorce. Hopefully that will get his attention and he will realize what he is about to lose. I would hope that would give him the incentive to stop drinking and become a responsible husband and father. Although, if he chooses the bottle over you and your daughter, then you will need to get her away from that atmosphere. At that point it does not matter your feelings, you have to do it for her. Good luck sweetie.
Unfortunatley you probably will not take the advice you are given. Please do not take that as a slam. I have talked to several people in your situation. The fact is that most people in your position are there because they are only happy in a co-dependant relationship. You psychologically fill a need within yourself by being with someone who has needs or weaknesses greater than your own.





You knew he was a drinker before you married him and you knew the risk. Now here you are. He drank, he cheated and you are still in the relationship. You need to ask yourself why this is.





Any emotionally healthy person would not have stayed with someone who has done the things he has done. Now you are dealing with the fact that he is bound to repeat..or has already repeated..the same violations of your trust.





The question is not..should you leave? The question is...why would you stay?





Yes, leaving puts you out there as a single mom. But your children would learn proper boundaries for themselves. If you stay, you are not showing proper respect for yourself and your children will learn that it is okay to be a door mat. It is okay to stay in a relationship when your partner is a drunken cheater.





This is not the life you want for your children is it? Then take some strong steps. You say..I love him. Oh..do you? Are you doing the LOVING thing by staying with him and enabling his conduct?





Change the locks. See an attorney. Serve him papers and get on with your life. That is the most loving thing you can do for him. He will have to hit rock bottom and lose you before he will ever change. (IF he ever does)





This is no flippant answer. This is a tough choice. But you know you have to do it for your daughter. Stay strong. God bless.
If you ask for advice you have to be prepared to hear the truth, which from what you said you are not ready to hear it. Ok, you do not want to hear leave him and you do not want to be advised to go to counselling. So the only other option is to stay and learn to live with it. Get into a support group to help you deal with an alcoholic husband. I once was married to one and I know what a hard time it is to build a marriage with someone who is hardly ever sober. Nothing I did ever changed him. He would have his binges and stay out all weekend, spend the pay check that we depended on to pay the bills. I thought if I loved him enough he would change. If I left enough times he would have the incentive to change. Problem was, if there was any change and promises it was only temporary. Promises were always broken, disappointments were something I lived with. And talk about embarrassment, it was countless. I knew people eventually wondered why I stayed.Soon enough I ended up asking myself, ';why am I staying'; and I knew my answer was because I was weak. I did not want to be alone. So I learned to be independent, got a job and got my own place and I left. We all get to the point where we lose hope and give up and you will too. You just haven't reached that point yet. When you do you will feel a great burden lifted from your shoulders. Good luck to you!
You can get a trial separation until things get better. It doesn't have to be stay, or divorce. You can tell him that you love him, but that his behavior is ruining your relationship. Tell him that you can not allow him to keep doing this to you and your daughter and that you are going to leave until you see if this problem can be resolved.





You find someone to stay with who will be a good support to you emotionally and you get yourself in to counseling. He will be very angry and resentful at first, but that will pass. When the cold hard reality of the possibility of losing his family finally hits home he will probably realize what he needs to do. Allow him to find help and admit that there is a problem. It's going to take a lot of time and patience and you both need to be guided through this by a counselor, so you don't go back too soon, or so that you are sure that you are not being an enabler to him.





There is hope, but it is a long road and takes two willing participants. The hardest part is getting him to see his problem and to take action on fixing it. His first reaction is going to be angry at you and try to put the blame on you, but you have to see this as a normal reaction and let it pass. Once he has lost everything and has hit bottom he will have no choice but to get help. Good Luck!
It is going to be difficult. Sometimes a third party can help. Maybe you know someone who lost their wife, family, and life because they were an alcoholic or a similar drug addict. If you can find someone whose life was turned upside down and completely ruined by drinking, maybe you can have the two of them talk. Seeing someone who really lost everything might lead him toward wanting to fix his problem. Say ';I see you becoming this person slowly every day and it kills me. I know you are better than that,'; or something.





That might help because sometimes addicts really don't see how bad they are until they see it in someone else. If he says his drinking isn't that much, just document how much he drinks. Videotape him for an entire night when he is drinking. Maybe that will also help him see just how much he does not want to be that man.
So you have no hope, you don't want your daughter growing up in this environment, you aren't happy with your husbands drinking, you are extremely unhappy but the two courses of actions that you need to take you consider ';flippant';.





You made the choice to marry him knowing he was an alchoholic, you are making the choice NOT to seek help at a counselor, and you are the one making a choice NOT to change the circumstances in the way you live.





My only advise, enjoy a lonely existence raising your child by yourself with an alcoholic husband who doesn't love you. Spend time with family, friends, and find some hobbies that don't require you to be around your husband.