(which i stumbled upon finding out when i dropped in to see him at work) we are recovering from a infidelity (on his part) and he told me in anger when i found out about the A that he had to drink at work to come home to me and that i drove him to drink. he swears up and down that he does not remember saying those things that night or the many other horrible things he said. (he had been drinking) he drinks all the time and always uses that excuse when he says things that are mean. we have 3 children and i don't want them growing up around the drunk version of my hubby. i love the sober hubby but i see him less and less. after we decided to make things work i told him that his drinking was a deal breaker, i thought he was doing better with it but now i find out he has been hiding it. i told him how hurt i was and he is still doing it. now do i give him an ultimatum and if i do what if he chooses the drinking over us?What if he chooses drinking over us?
he might need to get help, i would stay with him %26amp; work this out some how. he would say things when hes drunk that he does not meanWhat if he chooses drinking over us?
My father and step dad are alcoholics and it just leads to worse if they can't stop. Sooner or later it might lead to abuse of you or your kids. Try to get him to AA as soon as possible. If he can't stop drinking then see what road is best from there for your kids. Living with a person who drinks is about the worst thing. Kids seeing their father drunk can be very harmful as it was to me growing up.
You are not recovering well from his indiscretion. He has simply replaced his lovers. Your husband is an alcoholic He has already chosen drinking over you and your children...YOU have to decide whether to live with him or not. I suggest you visit a local branch of Al Anon for help. Giving him an ultimatum isn't going to do any good. He has made his choice already...it is YOU who has to make a choice now.
Been there, done that.
My (ex) husband was given a choice after many years of extreme alcoholism. I'd made the decision that my children would not grow up in a home with an alcoholic parent so the options presented to him were: quit drinking or I find a better environement for the kids.
We moved.
I hated ending my marriage, but realized that he made the choice he needed to make for him (continue to drink) and I made the choice I needed to make for me.
You need to tell your husband how you really feel.You need to let him know that drinking is not an excuse and doesn't take away pass history of good or bad things that have happened. He needs to stop the drinking or he needs to leave. You and the children should not have to put up with this in your own home. Let him know that you love him and want thing to work out, but if hes going to continue to drink then he needs to leave. Let him know that you are there for him and will go through whatever it is to help him stop drinking, but if he is not ready to let go of the bottle then you need to let go of him. Someone needs to be strong and think of the kids and if hes not going to do it then you have to. Drinking is a disease and it takes time to cure but together you guys can do it as long as he is willing and admits that there is a problem. Good-luck
You leave, and move on. You said yourself he isn't a good role model or good father. My fiance's dad is an alcoholic, and I think it just hurt his kids more having to live with him and not have a relationship, then if they barely saw him - at least that way they could move on with their lives, this way they are constantly bombarded with the problem.
Plus, he may come around after you leave, and may stop drinking and regain his health - this doesn't mean he'll come back to you though. Or he may keep drinking, in which case it's only his life he's ruining.
If he chooses drinking over the family, you need to choose your 3 kids over him. You need to choose yourself over him. Until they admit that they have a problem and get the help that they need, an alcoholic will not get any better - they will only get worse.
My ex husband is an alcoholic. He would drink every day and get mad at me if I said anything against his drinking. He got verbally abusive toward me and after a while the kids became his targets too. He really hurt their self esteem and their feelings of self worth. It almost seemed like he was deliverately trying to destroy their self confidence with the things he would say to them. Like your husband, my ex was a hard worker too. We had the necessities, but very few extras. We couldn't afford to go anywhere or do anything because he had to make sure that there was enough money for his alcohol. He would insult anyone that came to our house except his drinking buddies and some of his family. It was too embarrassing for the kids to bring any of their friends around because he was always drunk.
When I finally opened my eyes to the extent that he was hurting my kids, I gave him a choice - me and the kids or his alcohol. For a while he made it look like he had stopped, but he really couldn't hide the signs of his drinking for very long. One of the first signs was that he would get very close to me because he knew that I could smell it on him. He really hadn't taken me seriously. He thought that he could placate me for a little bit and then just go back to the way it had been. I told him that I was serious, that if he didn't stop drinking that I would get a divorce. He continued to drink and I got the divorce.
My kids have a much happier home now. One that is not stressful to live in. I, too, am much happier now that I am way from him. I still love the man he use to be, but I won't live with the man he became. I don't even like the alcoholic man he is. One important point though, if you give him an ultimatum, you have to follow thru with what you say, or, he will know that he can say or do anything he want because you won't divorce him.
I know that I am probably not saying all of this very well. I just trying to tell you that you should put your kids before your husband. Your husband is an adult that is making his own choices. Your kids are young and do not have a choice in this situation. You need to think about your kid's emotional stability and their future. You don't want them to grow up thinking that it is alright to be an alcoholic or verbally abusive.
And, you are so right about not wanting to have sex or be around a guy that is drunk all the time. I sure didn't. Probably only another drunk wouldn't mind being around another drunk.
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