I feel unwanted in my marriage, what should I do?

Me and my husband met 4 1/2 years ago on the job. We instantly fell in love, moved in together, got pregnant, got married, bought a house, and a new car all within one year. , It was my second child and his 3rd. Chloe (my daughter) totally destroyed my shape, and yes it did give me terrible insecurites, but I never had to deal with them cause I FELT the love was so geniune between us. He even gained weight with me while I was pregnant. Infidelity was never thought of, and we never had a problem with people on the job interfering with our circle. However, he's always had a lust for women. He's always talked about fantasies in bed, which was a turn on for both of us, but eventually he was encouraging and wanting more and more a 3-way. I didn't mind the talk, but I didn't want it to be a reality for obvious reaasons. But I felt that he had such a desire for that, that if I didn't be cool with it, he would eventually get it elsewhere. So I convinced myself to be super cool with it. That was were I feel I went wrong. I think overall I was so deep in love with him so fast I just wanted to give him everything he ever wanted, but by doing that, I cheated myself out of being respected and layed down for him. Fast forwarding things a bit, we did wind up having a 3 way with a very unattractive women, after that, he was all on my space, openly flirting with girls, trying to get a new recruit to do it again. I guess he was half unfulfilled cause it wasn't what he had in mindbut it deeply bothered me to see this I guess in my mind I was like well it's ok if I pick the girl and I'm in control. That was not true. We've even had open enough conversations/arguments where he's said ';why can't men have more than 1 wife? or ';Why can't we be married with a girlfriend we can kick it with?'; In addition to that, he's always looking at women on the internet and in public (but he's not disrespectful with it in public) but I would be looking with him.





Now everything bothers me. I finally told him 2 weeks ago that, I was trying to grow spirtually and confess my true feelings about everything. He said that was all fine and that he wouldn't do it anymore. I told him I think he has an addiction to it. But he told me no, I love you first and foremost, I put no one before you, and I'm much stronger than the devil The day after we had this deep convo, I found out he contacted his EX girlfriend on my space and tried to recruit her for a 3-way with us!! Even she was taken back! But we managed to get through it, he even has been encouraged to grow his reltionship with the Lord. Things have and had been great this past 2 weeks, however, he blocked his my space page (which is understandable) but he also hasn't invited me on his page either, which leads me to believe he's hiding again, and I told him this. He really hasn't given me a clear answer on why he hasn't invited me over to his new page yet either. But I've painted on a smile, and continued to love him anyway. He has female co-worker (she's cool with me but we're not the that close) that sits across from him. She is an attractive women, and he has told me he would be interested in her for ';US';, anyway she's pregnant by her boyfriend but she's not oblivious to the way we've thought about her in the past. Any how, a couple weeks ago, he told me he's been encouraging more people to exercise and he told me he told her when she has her baby she could work out with us. I didn't like it really, but I didn't say anything. Then yesterday she went to lunch with us (his invite) and ';after the fact'; he told me he had went with her to go move her car cause he was bored. That was it, I asked him why did he need to go with her, you are not responsible for her, she has a man. He was like I'm sorry I told you and I didn't think it would be a problem. We work at large company, were people have always looked for the next rumor. Everybody knows where together here, why would even want to give someone the impression that you could be fooling around? Not that I care about the people, I just don't want to be played. PLUS, let the shoe have been on the other foot, all heck would have broke loose. He thinks I'm so psyched out crazy, but really it's that I see where their friendly relationship is going, and just don't think it's possible that that could ever happen. On top of all this, I'm taking care of all the bills in the home because of his Child Support and garnishments, putting food on the table everything. He pays half the mortgage and that's it. I don't get no financial support from him. The few dollars he gets he gives me. I never cared about his financial shortcomings or any of his other flaws, until now.





In the end..


I feel like now you don't whole heartedly respect me first as much as I respect him first. And all the I've sacrificed for this relationship is a waste. I'm realizing he has unreasonable expectations of what a wife should be. Not too many women would love him and accept the burden of carrying a whole household financially, and take care of all business matters too(He lets me face bill collectors alone too). At this point I'm like what am I staying with him for? Love? Pity? Is this my companion and best friend or another ***** pimping and playing a good women? How much more of this can we both go through. I just want us both to be happy..I feel unwanted in my marriage, what should I do?
First of all, thanks for sharing your story. It was quite interesting and to read but at the same time complicated.





After reading the entire passage, I feel that you have answered the problem that you are having on your own.


You probably just needed to vent.





First of all, you said that you know you made a mistake by letting him feel that a 3some would be okay, and then even engaged in one.





You are way too good of a woman for him and you of all people know it.


As a woman, sometimes we love our men so much that we loose ourselves loving them and wanting our family to be together.





I feel that at this time, that you have given it our all, and sometimes we have to wash our hands with a situation.


Fairytales don't always have a happy ending. And that is okay.


You seem to be a strong woman and you will bounce back from this, believe me. But, you will never know if you don't let go.


I recently ended a 5-year relationship because of my boyfriend cheating on me. It was hard because we had a child between the two of us and then I had 2 additional children.


I have since met a wonderful man, that loves me and my children.


At times you feel you know happiness, but I feel that I have embarked on a entire new level of happiness that I would have never experienced, if I would not have let the old stuff go.





He seems that he has some real issues to deal with, with himself.


I don't feel that you will ever be able to do enough for him sexually and he be satisfied.


You are his wife, and if you alone is not enough, then he is not the one for you.





Just learn from the mistake that you made in this relationship and move forward with your life for yourself and for your precious children.





I wish you all the best in whatever decision or road you choose to take.I feel unwanted in my marriage, what should I do?
Sweetie, this exact scenario happened to my best friend. After all was said and done they are no longer together. Now it would be different if this was what you wanted but you convinced yourself to do it to make him happy. The only peoples happiness I place before my own is my children. I was dragged around for too many years by too many people who wanted to manipulate me. It is really not worth it. You sacrificed you beliefs for him. Of course he expects more. When he sees he doesn't get that he will look for it himself without your approval. I don't feel it is correct for him to bring this to the workplace. I sympathize with you having those people probably talk behind your back. People at work are always looking for good juicy gossip. He should respect you always and others will do the same. It always comes down to you. How low are you willing to be with someone you believe to be undeserving?
I'm going to comment mainly on your last paragraph:





';Not too many women would love him and accept the burden of carrying a whole household financially, and take care of all business matters too(He lets me face bill collectors alone too).'; -- What ELSE does he make you do alone? This is not healthy. A Marriage is a union of 2 people who should be SHARING everything. Not facing things alone. That is very coward-like for him to let you go through it alone.





';I just want us both to be happy.'; -- What you have to realize is that YOU have to focus on yourself and YOU have to be happy with YOU before you're happy with someone else. he is not making you happy.





You're feeling insecure, betrayed, lied to, among other things. I KNOW that feeling you have in the pit of your stomach where you're wondering what else is going on. Especially with the MySpace page and how he won't invite you to it. Um, HELLO, you're his wife! Not only should you be invited to his page, you should be his #1 friend!





I know how it feels to want something to work. I know how it feels to have history with someone and you pray and pray that things will just get better and ';like they used to be';.





The reality is, is that sometimes life doesn't work out like that.





You have to think of yourself and your kids. This man you are married to is making you do things that you THINK you're in control of. News flash -- you're not in control. HE is. A man who truely loves you would never make you do things you're not 100% comfortable with. A man who truely loves you would never make you face things alone.





I think you know deep down what you need to do, and I know you're looking for the opinions of everyone on Yahoo Answers, but ultimately it's going to be YOU who needs to make the next move and let this guy go. You deserve someone who won't make you feel like this.





Remember -- he's not the same person you first fell in love with. He's manipulated you and has not taken care of you.





He's not a man.
Wow that was long. What to say? Your husband is a real asshole! He is addicted to 3way sex and has no respect for your feelings. He's selfish and doesn't care about you being hurt. There is no way I would ever be with a man like that. Take your daughter and leave. If he really cares and loves you he will figure out a way to get you back. Best luck to you.
You say you just want us to be happy. Remember, it is ';us'; you want to made happy, not just him.


You were against threesome in the first place, you went for it anyway. (That was your mistake number one.)


I mean, I don't care what you guys do behind that closed doors, but if you are not true about your feelings, you are not going to be happy. (your husband is probably happy, but you certainly won't be) Remember, lie to other people is easy, lie to yourself is hard.


You say you become out of shape after the second kid, and from your descriptions of other women, (very unattractive woman, attractive woman), I can see you are a little obsessed with look. Well, stop it. It is not worth it. Start eating healthy, exercise more if your weight bother you. I am sure once your weight is under control, you would feel much much better about yourself. and maybe you will be more confident about yourself.


You are in a tough situation, I don't think I have a solution. Honestly, I don't even think therapy would help.


He doesn't sound like a wonderful man, and I think it is time to stop dreaming one day he can change.
Has writing this all out helped you feel better or see things a bit clearer? No one on here can tell you what to do. Only you have the responsibility and ability of that decision. But perhaps writing it out has given a purging effect and can help you make the decisions you will have to make. I wish you the best of luck in these endeavors.
Wow! Really long story. Yes I think he does not respect you. I think the only way to get his attention now is with you filing divorce paper work. When he is served the divorce papers he will have a sudden change of heart. He will come to you asking for your forgiveness. At this point you will have the power to state your desires and feelings. He will have two options, one to accept or the other, to leave. Good luck.
Wow. This is strange. This requires immediate Family Therapy, not Yahoo. Or Divorce Court. Man, how sorry I am for your daughter to be caught in between this immature mess.
Wow... I met my husband like 5 years ago, and things happened for us pretty much the same way they happened to you. We met, dated, fell in love, got preg, then married. We had also talked about a 3-way but I would never deep down inside EVER allow that. Even though, at times I thought it would be fun... maybe if I were dating someone, but for sure not married. But like you said, it was fun to talk/think about. But I couldnt bare watching my husband messing around with another girl even if I was involved. I do think that was a huge mistake. He may feel that you two have more of an open relationship. (like you, I am more spiritual now) but I would advise you to seriously sit down and talk to him. and tell him no more 3-way. good luck with everything.
Wow...............All within one yr. First of all you made your mistake by moving to damn fast. You knew he always had a lust for other women, big mistake right there. The 3-some a no-no. I'm not going to get into a long story, b/c yours is long enough, lmao.....I feel bad for Chloe though, but she'll be ok, once you get your life together. Time for a DIVORCE
Whether you are broken hearted from the loss of a loved one, marriage, family, an ex lover....No matter what you situation, now matter how down you may feel right now....I will make a promise to you all....no matter where you are in the world...





THINGS WILL GET BETTER......if you allow them to.





I added the ';if you allow them to because alot of us assume time is the answer....I agree to a certain extent but I believe the truth lies in allowing yourself to heal.





One thing we know that never changes is that time never stops. Time always moves forward....we can't stop it.....like death...it is certain.





Years ago, I was hurt like so many of you out there. I couldn't do anything without letting the sadness overtake me. I, without me knowing, put my happiness on someone else. If I couldn't have them, I couldn't be happy. For those out there that have this type of mentality, you have my sympathy. I could not have been more wrong. I spent months crying, obsessing about my situation, my life without her, and why this was happening to me.





Plain and simple, I had a lesson to learn....a very hard lesson. It wasn't that I was at my lowest point that I realized that it wasn't punishment from God...or whatever you believe....it was something that ';Life'; was teaching me. Ask any elderly person out there what ';life'; lessons that have learned in there time here on earth and I can almost guarantee they can go on and on...the reasoning is because the HAD to learn.





When I was a child, I tried to put my hand on the eye of a stove when it was turned on....it was hot but my mother pulled my hand back before I could do so....what did I learn from it?





Two things





1. The eye of a stove can be very hot and I could get burned....


2. Listen to other people that are more experienced...they have lessons to teach.








I know you may be hurting right now. I cried many nights into a pillow as a 34 year old man because I ';couldn't live with out her';. I cried in the shower....I cried at work...I cried in the cry when a certain song would play because I would think of my past with her...





Been there ...done that. I am living proof ladies and gentlemen that if you stop and DO YOUR BEST to look at the lesson rather than the problem that you will begin to learn...





Am I insinuating you have done something wrong or is the reason why you are in your current situation because of something YOU did?





NOT AT ALL...not even close.





What I have come to realize in my short time on this earth, that if I die tomorrow, ....that no one...BUT NO ONE can prevent me from loving me.


Is this selfish to say? No. I disagree with anyone that would challenge me. When I look in the mirror, I see me. I do not see anyone else BUT me. I know what I am thinking at all times. I know my thoughts, I know MY dreams, I know what I like, I know what I don't like, I know what makes me happy, I know everything about me..without guessing nor ***uming anything.





No one is responsible for my happiness BUT ME. What does this mean? It mean I love the people that come in and out of my life and appreciate each one individually and the lessons they teach me. There are so many wonderful things in the world we DON'T appreciate because we put too much emphasis on the very thing we ***ume is responsible for our complete happiness and when it is gone.........we become ';lost';.





When do we appreciate things the most? Sadly, most of us at one time or another tend to appreciate it only after it is gone....or we can't have it anymore. People sadly get taken for granted every day. I have learned to appreciate everything about me and my life circumstances. I have such positive energy inside and out that it radiates in all I do.





I learned to pick myself up and move on. Was it hard....Absolutely! The things in life that we think are the most difficult, tend to be the very things when we overcome it, no matter if it is a problem in our lives or maybe a math problem on the blackboard, that make us the proudest.





Why is this? I will tell you....





When we don't believe we can do something....and we end up doing it and doing well...we are in disbelief and shock because we actually took the time to provide a solution for ourselves. No one lives our lives but us...the individual.





We all have hopes and dreams.....we all have individual goals we may have had for years....before your current situation ever occurred. How many time I have heard the same thing over and over...





';I wish I had never met %26lt;fill in the blank%26gt;';.








Why? Why is it that when negative things occur, that we always look at the negative instead of the positive. Looking back on life, I have said this silly statement before. I am guilty as charged but I have learned to be a better person for it.





What have I learned? I have learned that being negative only brings more negativity. Some call it the ';Law of attraction';...I call it common sense.


We all have choices....some are easier to make than others. I am not by any means trying to give an overall solution....but providing ';food for thought';. We make poor choices, have done stupid things....say hurtful things we didn't mean....we have learn to hate...instead of being the better person. As a chlid, we learned that lying COULD get you out of trouble....and the truth can be so difficult to tell sometimes not only for us...but for those it involves.





You can be happy....no matter how down you are...no matter how lonely...no matter how defeated you may feel....YOU CAN DO ANYTHING if you allow yourself to.





If someone doesn't love you.......I am sorry....NOT for you...BUT FOR THEM......





Read that again...





If someone doesn't love you.......I am sorry....NOT for you...BUT FOR THEM......





You are a treasure.....you are a gift that is to be appreciated until we take our last breath. You can make a difference in your own life NOT to worry about what someone else my say or ***ume about you.





NO ONE but NO ONE..knows you best.....THAN YOU! Self love can be the most difficult lesson you can learn. We tend to dream of that ';someone'; that will come along and just understand how we work and feel. Some call this our soul mate. Do I believe in soul mates....? Not really....I believe in me 100%. I have too much love to give for free to the people that SHOW ME LOVE.





Actions speak louder than words.....don't let words stand in your way. Don't ever let ANYONE tell you that you can't do anything...





You can do anything....no matter what it is...





All you have to do is believe in yourself. If you have made mistakes in your life up to this point....don't push blame....take responsibility for ONLY the things you need to and learn from it...move on and teach those who will be in your situation possibly down the road.





Don't be afraid....fear can only hold you back. Let it go...let go of the ';what if's...'; Go with what you know is a fact....not what you ***ume or wish....








To each and everyone of you...I want you to know something...





No matter who you are....no matter where you are...no matter how down and out you may feel....








there is hope...there is forgiveness....there is a lesson...and there is a long, and happy life waiting for you on the otherside of your sadness.








Forgive yourself of past mistakes and move on.....love yourself and let yoru confidence SHINE bright. Radiate what you have learned and SMILE again! You can do it....I am living proof that you can do it.





All it takes is a simple decision to let go of sadness and past hurt...








You can do it....Ya wanna know why? You may be siiting there reading this post doubting every word I say....but listen carefully








I mean this with all I am ....











I believe in you.....and all that you are.














Your Friend,








SuperDave71
first even for him wanting a 3 way with you involved is WRONG it might be ok ONCE to see what it is like but never to have it mentioned again unless you both want more than that


second if you can do it by yourself why not do it by yourself we all have the same rigth to love and to be loved as everyone else out there go find that someone else
I am not sure we had enough information to trully digest this whole problem. Oh wait yes we did right at the begining when you said you guys were opening your marriage to others. He does not respect you at all. I know you think I am being harsh but its the truth. You dont respect yourself. If you wanted an open relationship you got it quit complaining if you no longer want that its time to find a different guy you changed he didnt. what if he was the one out of shape and you were still drop dead sexy how would you handle this.