1. I am the primary care taker. I work full time (he works part time), I cook, clean, take care of the baby, organize / mail the bills, etc. All this while he plays online video games.
2. He plays online video games - like an addiction. Wakes up in the morning to play, plays on his luch break, plays at night. Life revolves around that. If I want to make plans for us, I hope he doesn't have something schedule that night with his online gaming friends. Sometimes if I need him to hold the baby while I...say...get dinner ready, he might say no because he is doing something important on the game and he tells me to put her in her crib or play pin (where she will cry) but it's okay for babies to cry sometimes he says.
3. And to me, the most deal breaking issue, he develops relationships with females on these games. I left him about 4 years ago because one relationship got so out of hand that he was running up our phone bill calling the girl (who lives across the country and is married with kids). He convinced me to take him back and I did as he promised nothing like that would never happen again, but it did. I forgave again, things were good, and while I was pregnant, he started communicating with her again. Their conversations are very inappropriate, of how they want to be together when the time is right, and she has even sent him naked pics.
She got mad at him and emailed me while I was pregnant to tell me of their communication. I should have left then and there, but I was naive. I confronted him, he was livid at her and promised (yet again) that it would never happen anymore. I though (dumbly) that when the baby came maybe he would finally get his priorities together but...
...he didn't.
Yes, we've been to counseling a few years ago and he wasn't very receptive to that and felt ';attacked';.
I feel like he's had way too many chances and even if it wasn't this girl, it would just be another.
Part of my struggle comes from the fact that he is (to my knowlege) not cheating in the flesh, but I know...emotional infidelity hurts just as much.
I really do plan to end it next month (I have a predetermined date), I am just trying to mentally prepare for it all. Sometimes I don't know if I have the strength to go through with it.
What do you think?Should we divorce over his online affair (emotional infidelity)?
You're right. You do know the answer. He is addicted not only to the computer and its gaming but also to affairs with other women online. Most people try to convince themselves that cyber affairs are not cheating. Call it what you want, but a rose by any other name is still a rose. It is an absolute betrayal of trust and a spit in the face of your significant other. Frequently conversations revolve around dissing your partner. Emotional affairs are more dangerous than physical ones. They create walls between partners and sometimes abusive and hostile feelings that are not warranted in any way toward the unsuspecting wife/husband. It is stolen time, attention, and affection away from the legitimate partner and money in your case. Cyber affairs allow people to become very close in an unrealistic forum and create false ideas of reality. They are only a nanosecond away from physical contact if the opportunity should present itself. It sounds like you have been in pain over this for quite awhile. The fact that you are setting a date and preparing yourself mentally says you are a strong woman who has had enough abuse and is ready to find a man that will honor and respect not only you but your daughter. It will get worse before it will get better and that is the scary part. But it will get better. Know if you stay and do nothing...it will just stay bad forever. And in Dr. Phil's words...';How's that working for you?'; I wish you the best of luck. You can do this!Should we divorce over his online affair (emotional infidelity)?
Well I think if he weren't such a nerd he'd be out cheating for real. Sounds like he should be alone with his video game fantasies and you go find yourself a REAL man.
i think that you shouldn't put off till tomorrow what you can do today. if you wait till next month, something will come up or you'll give in and say ';well maybe he won't do it again';. but you can't keep giving him one more ';last time.'; take it from me, if you don't leave now, you never will.
I feel terrible for you!!! It seems like he hasnt changed much, in terms of maturity, since high school. It seems like you do a lot and for him to have the nerve to do the same things again even though you took him back. Sounds like an ungreatful asshole to me. It is truly tragic that you guys have a kid together because i'm sure this would all be easier if you hadn't. Any sort of cheating is not ok. After you're in a serious relationship friends of the opposite sex take a way back burner, just out of respect for the other person. How would he like it if you were even confiding in a close male friend, i'm sure he'd probably turn it back on you. Have you said to him that you're considering leaving him again? Because if you have i'd suggest telling him that he will only see his kid when you're around if you leave because he obviously isn't responsible enough now to help out when there is two of you around, what would he do if he was single? If you're the primary provider is there any way you can cancel the internet? Or does it not really matter since your incomes become combined after all since you are married. I dont really have much advice I just thought i'd tell you I felt bad for your situation! :(
You're married to an immature guy. If that's what you want for the
rest of your life, stay married. Not the best role model for your child,
by the way. If you want better than that, get divorced. Simple.
The ';details'; in this case don't really matter. He's going to keep on
with the gaming and ignoring his family, and you're either going to
put up with it, or you're not. It's up to you.
i tell you what..
you dump him on that day, and i'll quit smoking on that same day.
I think you are just about ready all that is left to do is take the jump. A wise man once said that If you wait until the picture is perfectly clear to make your decision either you will never make your decision or it will be too late. Have confidence in yourself, and be excited that you get to have a new start at life.
From an outsider's point of view I think you are already doing this by yourself, getting rid of your husband only means one less mouth to feed and less heart ache in the long run. And don't think for a second if she lived within an hour's drive that he wouldn't be cheating on you if not leaving you.
TinyBit, this is, obviously, a serious issue and one that you've decided you can no longer tolerate.
I fully agree with you that, especially for a woman, emotional infidelity is absolutely soul destroying. It cannot be allowed to continue, it will destroy you, bit by little bit.
Ending your relationship however has serious consequences and needs to be handled with care, especially because of your child who will need a good ongoing relationship her dad.
Have you taken any professional advice about this important, life-changing, decision?
If not, I would suggest you do - not necessarily to change your decision but to prepare you properly on how to do it so as to protect yourself and your child's emotional interests.
Take a look at the review of 'Catch A Cheating Spouse' at the How To Get Your Ex Back Blog. I think it could help you.
JARichards
Just from what you have said I would say Yes, you should divorce. Not only over his multiple online affairs but because he does not want to help with your child and wants to spend all his time online. Playing online games is fine in moderation but he needs to step into reality and quit trying to play house with girls online. You said you don't think he is not cheating in the flesh but trust me he will get there sooner then later. If he finds one of these online girls in your area I doubt he would hesitate to have the real thing. Don't keep putting up this. You need to move on if not for your own sake do it for you child.
I too am with someone who endlessly plays a computer game he is involved in. I don't mind so much for the most part because he used to have other harmful addictions and they no longer exist and we have no kids. HOWEVER, your husband is immature and out of control. It is completely shocking that he has let you take care of him like another child and left aside his small baby for a computer game and on top of it has cheated not once but did it again after he was caught. (YES it is cheating). Many guys do not want to go to a counselor because they do not want to be told what they are doing that is wrong. They feel attacked because they want to do what they want to do and not be forced to face it and change. Your husband got away with it once and somehow he felt he would again. LEAVE HIM. He offers nothing to you in the way of financial help, emotional support or trustworthiness. Instead, he escapes into his game and his fantasies of another woman (who clearly is not a reputable person). Find yourself a man who can appreciate you and your beautiful new baby. Let your husband get a dose of real life ALONE.
He works hard to establish these relationships, Tell him he has 2 weeks to get a full time job or move out. His not working full time is the bigger problem here. He can be anyone he wants to be talking to others online, but he can't BS you who knows the truth.
Any man who has a wife and children has to work full time to find a job when he is not working full time.
You are DONE! Put a fork in it. If you have tried everything you can, just do it. You'll get stronger as you go, believe me. I had tried to work it out with my hubby, too ~ and at some point even that gets to be too much.
You have a long question, so I am going to respond with a long answer for you. I've been married 14+yrs and have had to survive both of these issues. Emotional Affairs (EA) and Physical Affairs (PA) from my wife. I was able to handle the EAs because it never crossed the line, in my estimation, of an unforgiveable act. Partly because I have had EA myself and I felt I couldn't cross the line to a PA. The EA seems terrible because he hasn't committed a PA. Are you honest with yourself about never having a EA yourself. You are the primary caretaker, so you probably have contact with the opposite sex. Have you ever thought of someone else when you are alone OR when you are going to sleep OR dream of another OR right when you wake up? If you have, then that would be considered an EA too. Would you cross that line to a PA?
AND trust me, it hurts more when there is ';cheating in the flesh';. Remember, the physical act happens after the emotional act. I am still healing from the revelations of numerous PAs and EAs from my wife, but I love her and I am trying to forgive her, so we can keep our family together.
I'm not saying you are doing the wrong thing, but you have to be sure about your decision because of the other people that will be hurt.
And tell him NO MORE video games! No contact with these online chickies! NO CONTACT!
go to survivinginfidelity.com for information and material to help you to make your decision. Good Luck to you!
Sorry its long.....
No comments:
Post a Comment