Should I stay or should I go? How do I deal with a controlling husband?

I have been married 11 years to the most controlling, borderline abusive man I have ever known. I was admittedly a emotional disaster when we met with no self esteem after a very abusive childhood. I thought I 'finally found someone to love me' and dove into a ridiculously fast, exclusive relationship. I thought all the isolation and control tactics were his way of wanting to keep me to himself because he loved me so much. I am older, have been through some counseling and a life threatening illness. It all made me realize that I have done this long enough! I kept trying to stay for my son until he got through high school (in 5th grade this year). I know that I will not do that. However, I am working on finishing my degree. I have 21 months to go. I am trying to hang in there so when I leave I will have a good way to support myself. I've been a stay at home mom most of the time and have few job skills.





What I'm really asking is do I stay for the next 2 years to finish school and not have the stress of that while trying to get out or do I pack and run? I have to deal with nearly daily accusations of infidelity, being spied on and checked up on, being held financially hostage, sabotaged in my studying, isolated from friends and family, emotionally manipulated and verbally worn down. The good part is that I have learned to tune out most of his crap and go on despite it.Should I stay or should I go? How do I deal with a controlling husband?
I think you should plan to leave in 21 months AND tell your husband that you are planning that. Tell him that the clock starts now. Tell him that he has only a limited amount of time to turn his behavior around. Furthermore, tell him that how he acts now is barely tolerable to you, so that if he actually gets worse, the 21 months will change to 0 months.





One of two things will happen. Either he will escalate his attempts to control you, thus making it easier for you to decide to leave immediately, or else he will improve, making it easier to last those 21 months.Should I stay or should I go? How do I deal with a controlling husband?
The fact that you have tuned him out and gone on is one of the things that makes him insecure.


If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.


Try saying ok darling, what would you like me to do? How can I make you feel happier?


Try explaining that you need to do the study to feel good about yourself, not so that you can be independant from him.


Marriage is not about independance but interdependance.
RUN!!!! You don't need another day of this garbage. You will do fine when the stress is off your shoulders. Get a friend or family member to help you emotionally. It may not be easy but it will be much better for your mental heath. Good luck, my prayers are with you.
Just get out and leave him now. You could get a minimum wage job until you get your degree. It might be a little hard and money is going to be tight..but it's worth it. Love yourself enough and your son and please leave now. Good luck!
i left!i had no job skills,money or family/friend support,,and i left for the sake of my children.There are programs out there to help and support you when and if you leave.Try your local womens shelters,they can advise you.
are you ridiculous?





you would give up 2 years of your life, live a lie, for convenience?





get real, leave him and work on yourself.









Go live with family and finish your degree.
You need to take your kid and leave. It will be fine:) Either that or force him to get some help. You may need to get some too. Try joining a support group.
Live your best life now. Why wait to live?


Get out, get happy, then finish school. School is always there for you. Your life may not be.






GET OUT NOW!


you should leave this relationship and not wait 2 more yrz of abuse.


you deserve so much better!


be strong


good luck
Leave now. You've been through enough already



runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
well you can look at it one of two ways. Stick around for the next 2 years finish school and be completely miserable, with no friends no social life as you have been doing. OR get out now, finish school meet some friends live your life and have fun doing it. You don't know what tomorrow brings or next week? Don't you want to enjoy your life, smile once in a while, have some friends to do things with or just to simply talk to, your child to maybe be happy because his mother is happy, focus on school and graduate with that great accomplishment that you did it alone? I know its hard to leave someone you've been with for so long but in the end you need to find a happy and safe enviornment for you and your son!
What you are seeing as controlling and ';borderline abusive'; may very well be his reaction to a woman who has admittedly come to him as an emotional disaster with no self esteem. The reality is that you chose to be the SAHM, and go to school which isolates you by its very nature ( who has the time with school studying and kids?). Yet all this time you have been sending out the vibe that this relationship was too fast and a mistake. This is a terrible message to send to a person who loves you so much.





So what you are now saying is his ';accusations'; are controlling when they are probably motivated by his fear of losing you. This from his observation of YOUR poor attitude toward him.


Take a very hard look at your input here.


If you think none of this is your doing OR you just do not want to work it out and be together , leave NOW.





It will not get any better and your child will be better off in a home with his provider so you can go find your new life alone.


The only caveat here is that you will not have addressed all the personal issues that you seem to bear, so any other relationships you begin will probably be subject to the same end.





What's funny is all the females who think this is all him and you have been subject to so much pain and abuse.


Frankly, from a guy's perspective I think you have been using him for years for your own convoluted purposes.


I think you fail to realize that self esteem comes from within and to label him as preventing you from growing some is bull crap.


You have detailed NOTHING here which is remotely abusive except your attitude of his behavior.


I also think you would do your son a great service if you left him for your husband to raise. That will be one screwed up kid living with you and your attitude toward your own self esteem and his father. At least then your EX will be able to teach the boy that women will frequently use you and leave as soon as they have achieved their own goals.





You have learned to tune out most of his crap? It seems he is still affected by yours, therefore the fights about unfaithfullness. He does not understand that you have removed all of your emotion from the relationship and intend to bolt away as soon as it is convienient for you.


Do him a favor and be honest. Tell him you are going to leave him as soon as you can get a good job. Then he can decide whether he still wants to support you and write the checks for your last two years of school.


To stay with that attitude makes you into a selfish user.


Leave now. Leave your home and leave your child. YOU do not deserve either.





Get my point?





Finally, why do the majority think that it is you that should keep the son. He will be far better off with his father who still seems to posess the capacity of feeling and honesty.


I fear you really do not have room in your heart for yourself much less your child.





Here come the TDs from the other users..................
I do not believe in divorce, I believe people turn to it when there are other options, but in your situation I would not wait. Things are not going to get better and it would be better to get out and get custody of your son then to stay for the son and have him turn out the same way as your husband since the primary male role model in his life obviously has no respect for women.
My advice is this... long as he isn't fighting you causing you bodily harm then if you can stick it out until you receive that degree because times is tough nowadays and if you pack and run you are snatching your son away from a life he is accustomed and with your situation with having no job and money that will take a toll on him drastically you don't want to have to be stressed out about feeding and providing shelter for your baby. Now as far as you take some time out even if you have to sit in a bathroom and say some kind things to your self like ';I deserve the best'; if your spiritual ';Lord Jesus give me the strength'; Or ';Jesus bring me Happiness'; . Just little things that will encourage you to remain strong trust me this works because a controlling man beats down your self esteem so bad you lose yourself in the process you dont know what you like any more you feel less attractive and not wanted by others thats why u have to work extra hard to build your self esteem and confidence.
My first reaction is to tell you to stay until you finish school After 11 years he owes you that much. Making ends meet is hard enough under the best of circumstances. You have no job skills, no job history, and a 5th grader that will be depending on you. He would hardly ever see you if you had to work and go to school and this would be hard on him not having you or dad around like he use to. If you can safely continue living with hubby until you finish school that would be your best bet since you have developed coping skills, use them to your benefit. Stay safe and good luck
I think you already know the answer and just need approbation. Why subject yourself to more months of abuse? And you have not tuned it out at all because that is not possible, I know, been there done that. For your sake and your son's sake get out NOW; NOTHING is worth putting yourself and your son through this emotional abuse. Start divorce proceedings NOW, get an attorney and make sure you follow through and don't weaken because it's easier, in fact, it is much harder remaining in an abusive situation than it is getting out of one.
Sorry but I dont believe you what all this suddenly started hapeening? at random you put urself in this realtionship then u had a child with this man so its all ur fault what about ur kid doe he hear the arguin but u wana stay on his behalf and if he is so horrible to you the kid prolly doesnt get treated great either.11 yeaers u took it and u finally had enough? unlikely so tell me more 11 years odd lenght of time to decide ur life is so horrible marrriage is to be a sacred union everyone is a divorcee thats great Hello statistic.
I think Happy 2 has a good idea, but I worry about the reaction your hubby might have to such news. You've been with him for 11 years, and you said he is borderline abusive. I've been in an abusive relationship, and they tend to not like it when you say you're leaving. The tension will build over the 21 months. Even if you don't tell him, you'll still know and you'll be the one building the tension. Your son will feel it. Every second you're at home for the next 21 months, all you'll be able to think is just 659 more days...coupled with the knowledge that really, you could leave at any moment. Do you really WANT that? Would that be any easier on you than if you just ran? MY advice? PACK AND RUN! Good luck, honey!





HEY FLAGGER, BITTER MUCH? SHUT THE F()CK UP.





Abuse can go way beyond the physical. Don't you dare listen to the man. He is wrong in every sense of the word. Trust me, I know!
leave and don't look back, i know what your going through he has taken the best of you but you have better to discover of yourself and you will find that out once you leave him, leave him dont torture yourself one more minuet for the sake of anyone even your son because you have done enough, forget your clothes, forger your belongings, just take your passport, id's etc and leave dont let him know where you are and live life to the fullest, learn to love yourself and never look back try to forget it like a bad dream, their a bright and happy and free future ahead of you let him go. I wish you the best.