How should I deal with infidelity and husband's sexual fantasies?

I recently caught my husband cheating on me. We've been married for 10 years so it really hurts. He said that he just did it for fun but didn't really want to hurt me. He said that he'll never do it again but I don't trust him anymore. I have forgiven him but I can't forget what he did. Now, he's complaining that I don't give him any freedom. I wasn't a controlling wife before but now, I'm turning to be one because I'm afraid that he's going to cheat again. This may push him away from me so I need some advise -- what should I do?





Also, he has lots sexual fantasies (i.e. having threesome) and asked me if it's ok. I'm not really cool with it but should I give in just to get that over with? I am thinking that if I'm a participant then I won't feel a lot of resentment towards him and also he will be more open to me. It might be better than him doing it behind my back.How should I deal with infidelity and husband's sexual fantasies?
First off, I'm sorry for your circumstances. :( If your husband is truly sorry, then he will understand why you seem to be controlling--and want to do his best to earn your trust again. Guys don't seem to understand that trust is EARNED once it is broken. It will take a good deal of time-if ever that you fully trust him again. I recommend that y'all go talk to a relationship counselor that will help you to communicate to eachother better and help you to build your relationship stronger.





Sounds like your husband is obsessed with sex and sexual fantasies. If you ';aren't really cool with it'; doing a threesome will NOT fix things between you. It will drive a wedge between you like no other. I mean, you will see him right in front of your face pleasing another woman and him getting off on it. He should be only interested in you. I mean obviously he'll be attracted to other women, but acting on it is a completely different thing. If you go along with this thinking that it will help, you are mistaken. If you are not into this, it will continue to destroy you. Tell him that fanatasies are just that--FANTASIES. They are not called ';realities';. And shame on him for expecting you to comply--it's just cheating with your permission!





There are PLENTY of other ways to spice up the bedroom that don't require a third party. And if you are anything like me, it's difficult to be intimate if there is no trust between the two of you. Chances are he broke your heart and things won't be right until it mends.





I really do recommend seeing a professional. They can talk to the both of you and y'all can go from there. Best wishes for you! :o) Hang in there, it gets better.How should I deal with infidelity and husband's sexual fantasies?
I think you guys need counseling. For one, you are starting to change as a result of the cheating ways of your husband. Your moral standing is changing because you are willing to go along with it because you feel powerless to stop it. And as for him, we all have fantasies but he cannot keep his sexuality under control. He needs to see a therapist to address the issue as to why his sexual deviance must be partaken of even at the expense of losing you. That is exactly what it is and he needs to find out why sex prevails over his love for you. I don't think a yahoo answers will give you both the healing you need, but I am glad I was able to suggest this to you. Good luck.
if you gave him what needs he would never stray. give it to him. make him so tired he can't walk and he won't have the energy to cheat.
That's a tough one. How about he compromises and has a threesome with another guy and you two? Maybe you'll enjoy that. Do you have a desire for a threesome at all, you said you're not cool with it but are you totally not curious about it at all?





Another question, do you have children, if I knew that it would help answering your question.





Besides that I think you guys could use some marraige counseling, possibly sex therapy?
trust me do not have threesomes. it will make everything worse because you kinda give him a green light that is OK to cheat. I have seen so many of my friends do the same thing for their man and it messed up their marriage bad. It went from threesomes to the guy and girl cheating on each other all the time.
He still wants to cheat. Having a three way IS cheating. He does not care about how you feel. All your feelings have been pushed far and away to the side so his little penis can have all the feelings IT wants regardless of how much harm this does to you. He has already pushed away from you. Kapish? He does NOT care about your feelings at all and is an unstable person. Keep tabs on your children at all times. They do not need to go anywhere with him. I have heard of men like this using their kids to pretend they are NOT off cheating but were someplace respectable, etc, all the while threatening their kids with loss of love from good ol dad if they tell mommy the truth. If he gets you to cheat with him..then he can use that on you as blackmail to use in court against you when you say you need child support . If you have a three way.. it makes YOU just the same as him. A CHEATER.





Also I have to mention here... your question kind of makes me think you are the husband asking this .. pretending to be the wife ... trying to come up with a way using all of us to find a stupid excuse you can use to justify your cheating. Sorry. No can do. Cheating is always wrong. Cheating is evil and IS backstabbing . NO excuses.
A threesome is just another way to cheat but with you there. Honestly I would have to say that if you can't forget and now you don't trust him what is your marriage based on now? My dad did the same thing to my mom and now to my stepmom. My mom left him she wouldn't put up with it. My dad %26amp; stepmom have been married for 20 years and just a few years ago he cheated. My mom spoke to my stepmom and said why don't you just leave him to which she replied that she wasn't strong enough to do that and she didn't want to be alone. Now every time my dad does something out of his normal routine she is suspicious. Don't be with someone because you don't want to be alone, you don't want to become a doormat. And from the response that he gave about doing it for fun, it doesn't seem like he respects your marriage very much. I think personally I would feel better if he had an affair with someone he had feelings for rather than just going out and screwing for the hell of it. Just remember that even if he doesn't do it again (which neither one of you really knows for sure) you will always be suspicious and that's not fair to you.
bieng afraid, is not living.





honey, you know what you have to do. Leave him, you never really gave yourself time to cope with his infidelity. Please he plays the whole ';why cant you trust me'; card again, I suggest doing this: tell him to cut his balls off, leave them at home, and he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.





Seriously I would end this relationship once and for all, you obviously haven't totally forgiven him......
Sounds like you have a very unhealthy relationship with a very selfish man. Until you realize your worth and demand that you receive the respect that you deserve you will continue to have these issues (no matter who you are with). Cheating for fun is just as painful as cheating for love or lust or any other reason for cheating. My mom always says that you train people how to treat you - If you accept being a doormat then people think that that is how you want to be treated.


My advice would be to consider your feelings for a couple of days or weeks or months (WHATEVER IT TAKES!) What do you want do YOU want to have sex with your husband and another woman? Do YOU want to stay with your husband even if he needs to have sex with other woman? Do YOU want to be a controlling wife who follows his every move.





We as woman have instincts and insight that we refuse to listen to. Take a little time to listen to your heart and follow it you will be much happier for it in the end.


Best wishes!
I've been in that situation and if you feel that you can salvage the marriage then fight for it. If you feel that you can no longer trust him then it's time for you to move on. You have no clue how long this has been going on and he will not be honest about. Before you jump out there to keep him then you need to rethink the vows you took under God. Whatever happens things will come back on him but don't allow him to bring you down to his level.
check out COSA (codependents of sex addicts anonymous).
First of all, trust me, do not have a threesome or do anything that you aren't comfortable and may regret. I know several couples that experimented like this and it never ended well and someone always got hurt.


Second of all, it may be that you husband is a sex addict. There is counseling available to see if this is the case and to give both you and he support as he goes through treatment.





Lastly, as far as him saying that he has no freedom and you are controlling, what did he expect? He lied, had an affair, broke his wedding vows etc..., You have every right to have trust issues and he is just going to have to live with it.
Well first of all it takes lota of time. I know first hand because mine did the same thing. I agreed to a threesome and that just gave him permission to do it with out me again...(well in his mind it did). There is no easy way to get over it. I ended up leaving after 7 years and met the guy of my dreams!!!
If you love him try to explore some of his fantasies the one's that your are comfortable with. Having a 3 sum may make you picture him cheating on you with the other woman and cause problems. I agree that him cheating will cause you to really watch him like a hawk and if he loves, wants to be with you then this is what he has to deal with. My thing is he married you know what you were into and what you were not into why change now. I would use caution at all time i;m not saying you can't get through this but it's going to take alot of work
If he wants a threesome, tell him you will agree as long as the third person is a man of your choosing. Threesomes are all about ONE person getting their needs met by two other people. Your man needs to grow up, and you need to stop feeling guilty for feeling normal. He ruined your marriage by his ';fun seeking'; and he deserves to be on his own, and you deserve to find a happier life than what this loser can give you. I can promise you, if you give in to the threesome, he will most certainly do it behind your back. You'll be giving him permission to do it in front of your face. He's a JERK. Give him his walking papers and save yourself from further emotional damage.
First off, fantasies that are fantasies are just that and are OK in my opinion.





Second - he has to build trust, and you have to be willing to trust. Unless BOTH happen, this marriage cannot be saved.





DOING things like a threesome to placate him is a BAD idea. TRUST ME. I do this kind of thing but the people I know who have done it to ';make him/her happy'; ALWAYS end up regretting it.
One thing I hear consistently from people who engage in threesomes and swinging is that it can make a good marriage better, but it will usually make a bad marriage worse. A threesome is not your solution, I feel certain.





But what to do? I think your husband has a pretty bad attitude for someone who got caught cheating. He should expect to have to live his life openly and accountably for quite awhile, until you have rebuilt your trust. Instead, he's complaining about not having freedom.





I wonder if he's a sex addict, because he sounds a lot like one. I'm saying this as someone who has been to numerous 12-step meetings for his own sex addiction. Your husband sounds very hard to deal with -- I'm sorry for you.
Dear sweet lady,


Don't do it! He's going to live out his fantasies with or without you. Just giving in will validate it in his mind. He's already cheated and doesn't seem the least bit remorseful. Dump him now. It will happen sooner or later.
Believe me, this is the beginning of the end. I'm sorry to tell you that, but it's true. If you submit to his threesome fantasy, it's just one more thing you will regret later when you remember your relationship with him. Don't do it...instead, do yourself a favor and tell him you'd rather be alone than with someone who ';used to'; love you unconditionally. Keep your pride...you'll be glad you did.
He said he just did it for fun??? Thats is the lamest excuse. This is probably the beginning of the end. The only people that can pull off having a threesome and stay together are people in a very secure and strong relationship, which you do not have.
How funny it is what your husband said, that he use did it for fun but didn't really want to hurt you';. Now who is more dumb, he for saying it or you for believing it, I mean you did forgive him... Cheating does mean ';To be sexually unfaithful to one's partner in marriage'; and how can he not think that it would hurt your feelings in anyway.





He definitely takes you for granted and obviously thinks of you as a doormat. Now he suggests a threesome so that he can sleep with another woman with your permission DUH! He definitely has a lot of balls to suggest a threesome after cheating on you, which shows lack of respect for you. Because instead of filing for a divorce you forgave him, he thinks you are dependent on him.





Anyways, tell him he read your mind because you were thinking about a threesome also with another man. What is good for him, should be good for you too. That is whats called being equal in a marriage. Good luck.
I personally would not agree with him having a threesome. Anything outside of the two of you is cheating. You might as well give him permission to go cheat with that lady again. What's the point of marriage? Why would you want to be involved in that? You will only make your marriage worse by ALLOWING him to cheat. That's basically saying what he's done is okay as long as he includes you next time.
He's already cheated once, and a 3-some is an excuse for hin to do it again ';with your permission';


Tell you what.....agree to doing a 3-some.....with you and 2 MEN!!!
Why give in to everything he wants to do. He obviously doesn't care about your feelings and sounds like a real scum bag. You should go find yourself someone that actually cares about you. This is only going to get worse. You're actually justifying him being with another woman.
don';t do the 3some... and forgive him for cheating, guys really just do it cause all the blood rushes from thier head, down to thier other head... so they think with that for the moment
first of all, sorry to hear about your husbands cheating ways, if he cheated on you, he couldnt possibly love you. once a cheater, always a cheater. and if he loses you, its his loss, you can do so much better than him..
I learned a long time ago that I could never forgive someone who cheated on me. I tried in a previous relationship and all it did was drive me crazy. I questioned everything he said and did. If he didn't answer his phone, or if he was late getting in I automatically thought he was cheating on me. I checked phone records and emails. I thought that I could fogive him, but I just couldn't forget!! I ended it. It wasn't fair to me to feel that way. I learned that you have to have trust or you don't have anything. Besides, if someone really loves you and respects you then they won't cheat on you. I will never put myself through that again. I deserved better and so do you.
If you fall to his fantasy, insist it involve 2 men not 2 women and see if that stops him in his tracks.





He will cheat when he wants, cuz you already forgave him! And by allowing him his fantasies, your allowing him to have an excuse next time he cheats he'll throw it in your face that you went along in the 3 some!!
Of course being a man I would say go for it. The fact is though if you do not desire this it may only serve to speed up your divorce.





If you have truly forgiven him then you need to back off of him and trust him again. Yes, he may wander again, but can you really stop him? Or are you trying to control him? You cannot control another person and when you try you will only push them away. Search your soul and decide if you really have forgiven him, if not seek help or end it.





My wife and I have talked about a 3some, the difference is that the thought of it turns her on. Will it ever happen? IDK, but it is fun to fantasize about. If it disgusts you then don't do it. Perhaps if you want to consider it you should watch some adult movies that have that scenario and see how it makes you feel.





Forgiveness requires that you forget or else it is not forgiveness it is acceptance of the deed, but a lack of trust continues.





Yoda out
Wow sorry to hear that about your hubby. Well you have to ask yourself if you will ever forgive and forget his past and cheating and he needs to be regaining your trust back. You can't do that on your own. So it takes two to tangle. It seems like he isn't doing his part since he is still asking you to participate in threesomes (form of cheating to me). I wouldn't trust him either if he was my husband and if he truly meant the stuff about not wanting to hurt me or never doing it again don't you think his attitude towards you would be different? He needs to work on his part and you need to work on yours that is the only way this marriage will work out in the end. If you think or feel that can't be then there is no point of sticking around.
I think your wrong, if anything you will feel more resentment towards him. Don't you see what he is doing to you. He cheated and is making you feel like it's your fault. Furthermore he is manipulating you into thinking that you should do more for him. Why should you be the one to give in to his desires when you have been faithful all along? I think you should seek counseling for both of you. If not then the lies and the distrust will continue until it ruins the relationship and eventually tears you two apart. Good Luck and I am so sorry for your pain.