He cheated... Now what?? confused!?

Hi , about 2 weeks ago , my now-husband, admitted to having an affair with a woman he worked with, We had had a long distance relationship for abotu a year and a half when it happened, One year of it while he was deployed, and the other half while i completed my degree in Nursing... I had suspected for sometime that their relationship was inappropriate, but I was too much of a coward to call him out on it, When I finally moved to be with him this past October, I found out she had been sending sexy texts and calling him, he claimed she was trying to ';break us up'; and that he had turned her down, and didnt take it well.... In December we got married, with me believing what he had said. I am having a very hard time with dealing with his affair, even though he has had no contact whatsoever with her since I found the texts, and has even changed his work shift so he doesnt see her. I know infidelity is very common unfortunately, but I feel almost ';tricked'; into the marriage, even tho I myself was naive to how far the relationship between them went, I have told my husband that I was going to try to stick it out, but i find myself wanting to go back home, 1200 miles away. Sometimes I blame myself, maybe I didnt give him enough during our long distance... even worse he cheating with a much older woman, we are in our mid 20's, she was mid 40's.... Is there anyone who can offer insight into dealing and or surviving infidelity?? Some days I'm fine, and others, I cry at the drop of the hat.... any advice, or sharing would be very much appreciated! Thank you!He cheated... Now what?? confused!?
Ok..im going to take a wild guess.. u and him met on the internet? and had a long distance relationship for a year and a half.. during this time he had an affair with a woman at work (if im right more then likely he was starting to wonder if this relationship would ever be ';real'; or always stay in fantasy land ) Then u move out to be with your now husband.. in October.. u find out that he's had an affair with this woman and that she's still texting him etc.. yet instead of posponing the wedding and making sure that this affair was completely over.. u still decide to marry him 2 months later, and then now its been a month and now ur wanting out of the marriage that u chose to go through with even though u knew he was cheating with this woman.. how old are u 5? wait u said your in your mid 20's so your suppose to be old enough to make choices with ur life that atleast take half a brain to come up with the answer.. YOU chose to marry him knowing these things.. you made that decision no one forced u into it.. so now u need to learn to work through this.. I knew a couple that were dating on the internet.. and although they were commited to each other through the internet the guy was getting sick of waiting wondering if she'd ever really come cause he was trusting in her that she was infact going to come but kept stalling or having reasons to put off coming to the point that he considered having sex with someone else because it was a year and a half since they had met online, and lets face it a year and a half of no sex is alot to ask of anyone, but let alone someone that u've never met fact to face.. so maybe thats what happened with ur guy, maybe he started to lose faith that u'd eventually move to be with him and he made a bad choice.. i doubt if it was anything but sex..and now that u are with him.. and now married to him.. has he given u any reason to believe that he'd cheat on u now? Since Oct.. and this whole thing with this chic came to light, has he done anything to make you feel insecure? is he hiding things? is he constantly late? is he still contacting her? is he trying his butt off to make u see that he loves u and only u and wants to be only with u??????? crap happens, but his true commitment wasnt made till the day he said I do to u.. and if from this moment on for the next 50 years he loves u and is true to u wouldnt it be worth it? so give him a chance, if he screws it up again, go back home and chalk it up to a huge mistake.. but u chose to marry him, so u chose to give him this chance to prove to you that he can forsake all others and be true to only you.. so dont be blind.. but have faith that he wouldnt of gone to all the trouble of marrying u if he truely didnt want to be with u .. if he wanted her , he could of been with her, but he chose u in the end... so give ur marriage a fair shake.. try and put this behind u and look forward.. until he gives u a reason not to trust in your marriage and your vows..





To your edit.. really doesnt change things.. ur the idiot that chose to still marry him knowing all of this.. so u need to own up to the choices u've made and be accountable for your own actions.. marriage vows are not to be taken lightly and the fact that u still proceeded to marry this guy and a month later ur thinking it was a mistake , just shows how stupid and immature u really are.. he didnt trick u , you have your own brain to bad u dont know how to use it..He cheated... Now what?? confused!?
I have been through something almost the same but actually worst. Honestly I would be glad if I were you. My husband tricked me into marriage almost a year ago and he has been sneaking around with his ex gf ever since. He has refused to change and I am still too much of a coward to devorce him because of my bills.
I would recommend couples counselling for the two of you.
He cheated, now you leave him. You're still young and can find a better man.
i really dont want to be harsh but in your heart can you trust this person?
This is a one to answer. The truth is (my truth anyway) If you want your marriage to work you have to forgive him for the affair. And he has to forgive himself. When you found out and stayed with him, you made a decision to forgive him, that means not throwing it in his face....ect. BUT it is alot easier to forgive than to forget! If you cant get over the affair, you may as well file for divorce, once the trust has been broken its so very hard to get it back.


I decided to forgive my hubby for his cheating, I never threw it in his face or even brought it up. But Every time he was out longer than he should have been, or went outside to talk on the phone, or anything like that i wondered if he was cheating again.....( and he was)... but fortunately I left him before I found out for sure. My brother and his wife are divorcing for the same reason, It must take a hell of a strong person to get past it!!





I wish you all the luck in the world!!
Here is why I never cheat, because you can't just do it once. You married an Adult Boy, because men do not cheat. It is not to late, you are young and you need to leave and get on with your life because you have a lot of life to live. Age is not the factor, but you will be angry with your life if you waste it on being married to a cheater. Even in the Bible, adultery is a ground for divorce. Stop wasting your time and move on now. Life is to short to feel ';tricked'; or get cheated on.
Im gona keep it simple: first: sorry to hear that, that really hurts I know. Second he only admitted after you caught him, and this flirting or cheating was going on before you married, so he's not a loyal type!


3rd. your Young! You can have so many chances at relationships and find a good one!





cheating before marriage or in early stage of marriage is the worst! and you shouldnt of been cheated on in the first place!





Its hard to leave the person who you grow to love and get used to, my advice is leave! and start a new life!





exttra: plus court will leave him broke for doing this sh*t to you in the first place!





Best of luck!





You will find real love trust me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tell most every girl or woman who has problems with their men to leave. But in your situation I think you need to give him another chance. He could have kept his secrete but he didn't. He laid his heart out to you and he must be a good man. I had a husband who cheated many times and I never got so much as an apology. He would never admit his deceptions to me. Your young man must love you.





Things happen and you two had distance between you. It isn't a good excuse for a stupid incident, but you need to at least give him another chance. The hard part is forgiving him. You can't keep bringing up what he did and when you have problems don't use it as a weapon. If you two really love each other this can be worked out.





If you tell your parents it might not help your situation. I would be patient and pray for forgiveness.
It sounds like it was purely sex, something to fill in the void. If he really would have wanted a relationship he would have had one with a much younger woman. He probably did not see it as being really bad because it was probably someone he truly did not love. I think that you should put it all behind you and I also think that he truly loves you.
It takes time to heal and rebuild trust. There is no quick fix.


Relationships can survive this, but it takes time and lots of effort from both spouses.


Being apart is hard on any relationship, but no excuse. Distance doesn't make the ';heart grow fonder';, that is a fantasy. Distance creates distance.





Only you can decide if your relationship is worth the intensive effort. Are you happy in other ways?





Your reaction sounds pretty normal. It's very difficult to deal with this betrayal. It's only been a short time. You do not have to make any quick decisions right now. Just take things one day at a time. This is a real emotional roller coaster.





Look into finding a counselor certified in couples counseling and experienced with infidelity. You may have to try more than one. Hopefully, he has some benefits through the military





We tend to blame ourselves, but this was your husband's choice. He made self indulgent, foolish choices. Now, he will have to work hard to rebuild the trust he damaged. This wasn't about the other woman, it was something lacking within himself at the time.





His first steps at rebuilding are to end all contact with this woman. Period, no friendship. Then, to help you trust him again, he needs to be very open with all his communications and activities. This is not the time for him to be complaining about his need for privacy. He damaged trust, so he needs to help heal the problem. He maybe clueless as to what to do. He may tell you to ';just get over it'; or it was in the past, let's just move forward, etc. But, it's not easy, this I know from experience. Trust is slow to rebuild.





Following are some resources.





A good book:


';Not Just Friends'; by S. Glass


';After the Affair'; by Springs





An ebook written for your former wayward spouse to help him understand what he needs to do to help heal the relationship. This is for him to read. You have enough to deal with.


http://aftertheaffair.net/





A yahoo group site with many helpful articles and links saved in files. Simple to join, then look under FILES.


http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTal鈥?/a>
If you really want to work it out then I suggest you go seek consoling with or without him. I think that under the circumstances and since you were not yet married you should give him another chance. Men his age are forgive the term but horny. You were not there, you were not his wife and therefore he did what he thought he needed to do. I guess it is good he didn't do it with a bunch of women or get this one knocked up. My husband tried to cheat on me when we first got together 14 years ago. He was not successful because the woman he tried with wasn't interested in anything but his money. She told me everything he had been saying and doing for several months. I was devastated, he might as well had slept with her, my heart did not know the difference as it hurt just the same. I was ppregnantfor our son at the time. After our son was born I had an affair. I know it was wrong but if I didn't I would have left him because I couldn't handle the pain. I told him that I cheated and I saw the pain in his eyes. The same pain he had caused me a year earlier. I felt so much better and we have been happily married ever since! I don't suggest this type of solution to anyone else as it may backfire but it was my only choice if I was gonna stay and my husband understood that. I have NO regrets!
Let me start by saying I am in the military and marriages are hard.





Ask your self 1 questions.


1. Do you think he will do it again?





If you believe he will never do it again stay with him. Put it behind you and live your life together. He will transfer duty stations eventually and you will never have to be reminded of her again. If you trust him give him another chance he did come clean about the affair... I have been tempted to cheat on my wife while i was deployed but I wouldnt be able to live with myself if i did.





If you think he may possibly do it again. Drop him! dont stay in a relationship if you cant trust him.
This is really tough. There is no sure fire way to instantly feel better. I had a similar situation %26amp; I still feel deeply hurt over it and it was a year ago. Ithink you have to accept it and try to focus on the future. The affair will always hurt, no matter how far away it gets. I am still wondering if I can live the rest of my life with this pain but I try to focus on the future provided he went to therapy %26amp; worked out his issues. I say you should talk it out as much as you need to with him. If you know something that would make it easier for you to heal, tell him what you need and he will have to do it, if he wants to save the marriage. ps.Dont make babies until youre sure if you can move past this or not. As for her: maybe your husband should change his cell #,email,any contact info so u can feel sure she cant contact him. Additionally he should be an open book. Emails, everything. Good luck,sister!